Not waiting on anyone to listen.
Not waiting on advice or approval.
Not waiting for everyone around to be "ok".
Just living here.
12:45 a.m. 27 Jun 2015 | permalink
You can feel how unfair life is when a magazine cover has a guy that caused a fatal accident on the cover in the same month as another famous guy who lost his friend in a fatal accident and was placed in a coma. I am learning to be grateful. Watching Tracy Morgan's Today show interview I felt like I understood why he was being so nice-ish in Wal-Mart's direction. It's hard to heal when you are holding on to negative thoughts. You have to move on. At the same time, it's hard to stomach that a male-now-female olympic athlete actually killed someone and is being lauded for the bravery of having sex reassignment surgery instead of being taken to bat for killing someone with their car. I suppose I don't know what either of them is going through, but I can't make sense of any of it except to say, "life isn't fair".
08:56 p.m. 01 Jun 2015 | permalink
Letting you walk out the door you came in.
Feeling better already.
Why'd I even bother?
01:49 a.m. 29 May 2015 | permalink
What a weekend...I PRed at a half marathon. Before that a ghost from the past hit me up on Facebook. I keep thinking about how well I had healed from stuff in the past and how this person reaching out just opened everything back up. Then after the race my bike was stolen. It was a good weekend, really. I'm just hurting, you know? Time will make things better; right now I have to heal again.
06:06 p.m. 25 May 2015 | permalink
I started today off intent on making changes to software that I told my team yesterday I would make today. I worked on those changes for a few hours and then got a phone call that led to me writing a Microsoft Word macro in visiual basic for a long time. Oh yeah, I learned a little visual basic today. Then I got in an argument. That ruined my mood. Then I ate lunch (at McDonalds). Then I took the train home and it was kind of surreal and calming and beautiful and so much at once. Then I took an uber to a bar to have some drinks because what a fucking day today has been. Then I took an uber home in a mercedes (I've never been in a mercedes). The uber driver was super talkative (all uber drivers are, actually). He told me about how he used to own a business in Canada. I never got the story on how he ended up in LA. We talked about what I do for work. I kept it real with him. He was more inquisitive about what I do for work. Then he thought about it all for a few minutes so the end of the car ride was silent. It was nice. Here I am now. Reminiscing on QOTSA lullabies to paralyze.
07:36 p.m. 22 May 2015 | permalink
If you haven't yet noticed, Mikezilla is dead. In his place is a guy named Michael, sometimes Mike, and, on even more rare occaisons, MJ. He's ok with moving on to the otherside because all things must end. It's been a long time coming actually. Music is different than it was even a year ago. 7+ years ago seems like a lifetime. I feel some nostalgia coming on...I'll let it pass.
There are a lot of other interesting things happening in life. So I'm planning on doing them. I started working a full time job as a web developer. I am pretty passionate about programming, actually. I'm still pretty passionate about music, but I'm not attracted to the work it takes anymore and so much of it is just me by myself. It's lonely. I became lonely. I think you can hear it in the music I was making. That doesn't mean I'm permanently set as a developer. It means I'm seeing what's on the otherside now.
With that, I'm releasing Jack. I won't say there won't be any promoting or "fanfare", but I'm also not making any plans to do those things right now. There are other interesting things happening in life. It's been real.
06:26 a.m. 16 Dec 2014 | permalink
it is officially time to get really excited.
09:29 a.m. 23 Oct 2014 | permalink
I have been in varying states of not-so-great for the past month or so. My friends don't see this because we aren't joined at the hip--I don't love myself 100% of the time. I'm learning how to do that now. I'm learning to trust my gut in a way that I previously thought impossible. I broke a lamp in Patrick's studio yesterday and normally that kind of thing would just wreck me. The idea of doing something wrong in the eyes of a friend--"What if they hate me after that?" What I did differently this time was I apologized immediately and polled the room for the frequency of occurences like this in the studio. The unananimous sentiment was, "stuff gets broken in here all the time". With that I was free and I let myself relax. We all make mistakes.
I'm getting older. We all are, but I can feel it in myself. I'm not sure if it's getting married or just the day's flipping by, but I can tell because I need new things. I value clarity of mind more than I did even a week ago. I thought I appreciated my friends before. I wasn't even scratching the surface. All of my friends are holding me up and I them because we see something in each other than we can't see in ourselves because we are too close to the subject.
What am I getting at? I want to find my niche. In music. In friendships. In a career. In life. I want it so bad that I strangle it almost to death. It's a wonder it's even still alive--that i'm still alive to tell the tale. This past week I've been trying out the notion that I've already found my niche, but I'm not so concerned with the results anymore.
07:51 a.m. 28 Sep 2014 | permalink
If you are a fan of mine then you will have noticed that I went missing sometime in 2013. I even told folks that I was going to put out the follow-up to Sleep Happy in Spring of that year. Here we are in late September of 2014 and still no album. I've even had the fucking audacity to stay active on twitter while simultaneously not addressing dropping this ball.
The long and the short is: I don't have an excuse for last year but this year is different.
The album wasn't ready last year. I had no confidence in what I made. I tried to get a friend of mine to help out on the post-production side, but that just did not pan out. That fucked with my confidence, too. I was all thinking, "if I can't even get my friend to help me with this then why would anyone want to even listen?". I did get over it and I finished the album in April, but that still doesn't explain what happened between now and then.
I have been building Wavcrate.
In February 2014 I was really going through it. Very depressed. Not getting out of bed some days. The whole fucking nine yards. One of the ways I get myself out of the viscious cycle of depression is by occupying my time. I came up with an idea for a website that would help musicians premiere their albums. I needed a website to host every album I had ever done in addition to anything else that was coming after. Soundcloud wouldn't work because it only allowed so much time. Bandcamp wouldn't work because I couldn't customize the album page the way that I wanted. The thing I was looking for looked more like Tumblr than anything else, but I didn't need all that came along. So I set out to build a service that would at least help me post my albums.
The site isn't ready for new users yet, but I am letting some people in. I have even uploaded Sleep Happy and re-designed the page for that album. (Downloads for Sleep Happy have been down for about 4 months, but they are back now at this page)
Now I am finishing the artwork for the new album Jack and It will be out this fall.
10:41 a.m. 23 Sep 2014 | permalink
While on your journey, there will be times when it is of the utmost importance to stay positive and appreciate how far one has come. Some obstacles can be soul crushing. Rush hour traffic comes to mind. One can't do anything about how massive the obstacle is. It is larger than life itself. What one can do is prepare oneself better for said obstacle.
To practice and prepare for these unpredictable moments one must push when all of the rules are decided by the player. One must push harder than previously thought capable. It is in this way that one can fortify the soul against being crushed in scenarios that are not of the player's design. To face and overcome adversity created by the mind is a simple achievment, but one that provides a safe space for the mind to test and grow its limits.
06:10 p.m. 04 Aug 2014 | permalink
When you get into a serious relationship, I can not stress the importance of proper budgeting enough. Improper budgeting is the difference between working somewhere that grinds you down Mon-Fri only to find out at the end of the week you need to make more money and "I'm paid, bitch! Round of drinks for everyone on me!!!!". Also, remember to talk about everything with your partner. There are so many fights that can be very easily avoided just by communicating.
Another thing, we all have to stop avoiding situations that make us feel uncomfortable. We must learn to sit with the discomfort for at least long enough to locate the source and come up with a solution. I have gotten in the habit of going running when I feel that uncomfortable feeling. Why? Because running forces me to breathe big deep breaths or slow the eff down. It forces me to face my emotions in a way that is explosive but safe. Sometimes I'll go out and just yell. Maybe grumble is a better word, but I let it rip. I curse, and blame, and pity, and get more upset, and then it all just slides away. The solution becomes clear and 9.5 times out of 10 I discover that the problem has been my own doing.
Life is funny if you laugh at it.
07:20 a.m. 01 Aug 2014 | permalink
An artist I have grown to know and respect asked me if I wrote earlier this week. When I first heard the question I started to get offended because I have filled countless journals and notebooks up with stuff that, in my opinion, no one would ever want to read. Eventually I was able to put my thoughts into words and I came up with something about letting people read what I write when it was "actually good". That's shit. So here I am with my thoughts, a web server, and a blog.
First off, I have to say I am deeply concerned by the amount of time I spend at my job. Let me start at the beginning. I started working a full-time job on a TV show a few weeks ago. I had to because there are so many things I want to do in life and making music just does not pay the bills. Now I have the job and I won't say I don't like it, but I will say it leaves much less time to do other things that I might enjoy more. Sure I make money for it, but I'm not always certain the pay off is just.
05:30 a.m. 31 Jul 2014 | permalink
Just finished mixing and mastering on Shon Hayes' Dios. Yikes am I glad to be done.
I've been recording some vocals for my album and tightening things up, but I'm moving quite slowly this go-around. Your patience is appreciated. I have a mix engineer around here somewhere..
Things are different but the same on my end. Everything is hard until the breakthrough.
06:38 p.m. 28 Jan 2014 | permalink
05:48 p.m. 30 Sep 2013 | permalink
10:05 a.m. 28 Jan 2013 | permalink