I have been in varying states of not-so-great for the past month or so. My friends don't see this because we aren't joined at the hip--I don't love myself 100% of the time. I'm learning how to do that now. I'm learning to trust my gut in a way that I previously thought impossible. I broke a lamp in Patrick's studio yesterday and normally that kind of thing would just wreck me. The idea of doing something wrong in the eyes of a friend--"What if they hate me after that?" What I did differently this time was I apologized immediately and polled the room for the frequency of occurences like this in the studio. The unananimous sentiment was, "stuff gets broken in here all the time". With that I was free and I let myself relax. We all make mistakes.
I'm getting older. We all are, but I can feel it in myself. I'm not sure if it's getting married or just the day's flipping by, but I can tell because I need new things. I value clarity of mind more than I did even a week ago. I thought I appreciated my friends before. I wasn't even scratching the surface. All of my friends are holding me up and I them because we see something in each other than we can't see in ourselves because we are too close to the subject.
What am I getting at? I want to find my niche. In music. In friendships. In a career. In life. I want it so bad that I strangle it almost to death. It's a wonder it's even still alive--that i'm still alive to tell the tale. This past week I've been trying out the notion that I've already found my niche, but I'm not so concerned with the results anymore.
07:51 a.m. Sep 28 2014